I’ve noticed my meds haven’t quite been working for the past couple of months. It’s been a slow decline; and the strangest part is that I feel like I was in the light of day and now I’ve returned to darkness. Like somehow, all along, the darkness was home and the light was just temporary. I always knew the dark would come back, and now here I am.
I saw my doctor yesterday and was prescribed a new antidepressant. She told me that it might get worse before it get better but I did not expect it to be worse like this. Before, I was in a fog, now I feel physically weighted down by the fog.
It’s so confusing to want so badly to not be on these drugs but to also not know how I might survive without them. Yes I would live, but it wouldn’t truly be living. And it’s so hard to want to rely on God, my savior and redeemer, but also not have the energy or brain capacity to lean in to Him.
How do you climb a mountain when you are chained to the ground? Try as I might, these chains are too tight and I’ve used all of my energy. I can see the top, and know I’ll get there, but for now I just want to lay here until my energy comes back. If it ever comes back. I might just get weaker as the days go on.
Linsey 