My husband and I stopped drinking 93 days ago. Alcohol was not bringing any benefit to our marriage, so we cut it out. Truthfully, I spent a good portion of 2019 sober, but it was a here and there kind of thing. A month of non-stop drinking, then a few weeks of no drinking. Another month or 2 of drinking, then a month or so of not drinking. I wanted to quit, but quitting is hard, especially when you’re doing it alone. Quitting hasn’t magically made my life perfect. It is hard, and there are wins and losses each day.
Here are some thoughts I have now that I am 93 days sober. This is the longest I have not had alcohol since I was about 15, so yeah, there is a lot to unpack.
The Bad:
- It didn’t cure my depression, but I’ve come a long way. Most days are “good days” (aka non-depressed days), even if they are bad days. I still have “bad days” (aka depressed days), but they are few and far between.
- I’m not as depressed, but I’m not happier, either. My emotions are pretty strong, and I do have times of happiness, but overall, my mood isn’t magically better.
- I really miss the ritual around drinking. It was the thing I wanted to do, and I miss being able to, and what it brought with it. I find myself avoiding going out, to do anything, at all. I spend most of my free time at home, alone. I’m realizing how hard this is for me.
- I don’t magically have more energy. In other non-drinking times, I have felt brighter – more awake, more energy, happier. This time I don’t. I’m so tired, all the time. I drink SO. MUCH. COFFEE. just to get through the day.
- I don’t put as much effort into keeping in contact with my friends. Since I’m not doing a whole lot, I don’t have a lot to say. The things we used to do to hang out consisted mainly of wine tasting, getting drinks, going out for brunch/lunch/dinner + drinks.
- I spend a lot more time on my phone. Playing mindless games, scrolling through social media, researching things I want to do, creating what would be my perfect life, etc. This does not bring me joy or help me reach my goals any faster. It does the opposite, in fact. I could be so much more productive if I would just get off my phone. Easier said than done, however.
- I don’t have a crutch to lean on when something difficult or uncomfortable needs to be said or done. It’s so much easier to avoid those things now, but I am also so much more aware about how insecure I am. And how afraid I am to be vulnerable.
The Good:
- I haven’t been hungover once in the past 3 months. My hangovers are all-day deals. Can’t-get-out-of-bed-ers. Barf at the thought of food or (gag) alcohol. Waste the day away sleeping, trying to avoid the state of death I’m currently in. They are often mixed with regret, shame, and embarrassment also.
- I haven’t done anything I’m embarrassed of! Well, no embarrassment stemmed from an alcohol fueled day or night, anyways.
- I’ve lost weight. 23 pounds, to be exact! I have also completely changed my diet and started being more intentional about exercise, but not consuming 500 extra empty calories each day of mostly sugar has for sure played a huge part in that. Here’s to 23 more! And then 23 more!
- I’ve stuck with my diet changes of being Vegan and Gluten Free. When drinking, I would easily cave and order pizza on the way home from work (mmmm…. pizza….) and eat it for the next three days. Now, I still crave that cheap, delicious pizza but I have enough will power to say no and eat something nutritious and equally delicious!
- We are saving a lot of money. Like, A LOT. Not only the money we were spending on alcohol, but the money we are saving from eating out so often, impulse buying while drinking, paying for everyone else’s meals, drinks, etc. The more we hang out with people, the more likely we were to just pay for everyone.
- My skin is looking better. One of the main ways alcohol leaves your body is through your skin, and my skin had taken a beating. I’ve also gotten really into my skin routine (shout out to Drunk Elephant– I love you) which has for sure made a difference in getting my skin looking vibrant and healthy again.
- I’ve started to feel real feelings, and be okay with how I’m feeling. It’s more that I’m recognizing the feelings, and allowing them, not shoving them away or covering them up with alcohol. I never learned how to control or accept my feelings, so I’ve always been afraid of them, and afraid of looking weak or out of control. When drinking, any “feelings” that came out could be blamed on the alcohol.
- I’ve started breaking down the walls that didn’t let the true me out. I’ve noticed I have less inhibitions about who I am, and saying and doing things I would otherwise second guess myself and not do. Jokes, for example. I used to be a big pre-thinker. I would analyze everything I wanted to say first, and if I didn’t think it would make me look stupid or be “wrong”, I wouldn’t say it. Now, I am a lot freer in what I say and do.
- I have more time. As soon as I’d start drinking, that would be my day’s to-do: keep drinking. All other tasks would go out the window. Sure, I would get a few things done but not nearly as much as I do now. Plus, I have time to just sit down and do “nothing” and not feel guilty about it.
- I have more will power. I think this is multifaceted – I don’t have the alcohol brain to fight through to do something, and I’m not drowning in depression. I still get fatigued and am still tired, but it’s a lot easier to get myself up off the couch and do the darn dishes (or laundry, or clean, or walk the dog, or clean the darn litter box).
I still have a lot of work to do. I still have a long ways to go and a lot of growing still to do, but I’m on the right path now. I’ve started taking some steps forward, instead of being stuck staring back at where I was and longing for what once was. I’m here now, and I’m moving forward. Thanks for cheering me on and walking with me. Even though I think I want to do it alone, I know I can’t.
Linsey 