90 Days Sober, and Counting

My husband and I stopped drinking 93 days ago. Alcohol was not bringing any benefit to our marriage, so we cut it out. Truthfully, I spent a good portion of 2019 sober, but it was a here and there kind of thing. A month of non-stop drinking, then a few weeks of no drinking. Another month or 2 of drinking, then a month or so of not drinking. I wanted to quit, but quitting is hard, especially when you’re doing it alone. Quitting hasn’t magically made my life perfect. It is hard, and there are wins and losses each day.

Here are some thoughts I have now that I am 93 days sober. This is the longest I have not had alcohol since I was about 15, so yeah, there is a lot to unpack.

The Bad:

1. It didn’t cure my depression, but I’ve come a long way. Most days are “good days” (aka non-depressed days), even if they are bad days. I still have “bad days” (aka depressed days), but they are few and far between.
2. I’m not as depressed, but I’m not happier, either. My emotions are pretty strong, and I do have times of happiness, but overall, my mood isn’t magically better.
3. I really miss the ritual around drinking. It was the thing I wanted to do, and I miss being able to, and what it brought with it. I find myself avoiding going out, to do anything, at all. I spend most of my free time at home, alone. I’m realizing how hard this is for me.
4. I don’t magically have more energy. In other non-drinking times, I have felt brighter – more awake, more energy, happier. This time I don’t. I’m so tired, all the time. I drink SO. MUCH. COFFEE. just to get through the day.
5. I don’t put as much effort into keeping in contact with my friends. Since I’m not doing a whole lot, I don’t have a lot to say. The things we used to do to hang out consisted mainly of wine tasting, getting drinks, going out for brunch/lunch/dinner + drinks.
6. I spend a lot more time on my phone. Playing mindless games, scrolling through social media, researching things I want to do, creating what would be my perfect life, etc. This does not bring me joy or help me reach my goals any faster. It does the opposite, in fact. I could be so much more productive if I would just get off my phone. Easier said than done, however.
7. I don’t have a crutch to lean on when something difficult or uncomfortable needs to be said or done. It’s so much easier to avoid those things now, but I am also so much more aware about how insecure I am. And how afraid I am to be vulnerable.

The Good:

1. I haven’t been hungover once in the past 3 months. My hangovers are all-day deals. Can’t-get-out-of-bed-ers. Barf at the thought of food or (gag) alcohol. Waste the day away sleeping, trying to avoid the state of death I’m currently in. They are often mixed with regret, shame, and embarrassment also.
2. I haven’t done anything I’m embarrassed of! Well, no embarrassment stemmed from an alcohol fueled day or night, anyways.
3. I’ve lost weight. 23 pounds, to be exact! I have also completely changed my diet and started being more intentional about exercise, but not consuming 500 extra empty calories each day of mostly sugar has for sure played a huge part in that. Here’s to 23 more! And then 23 more!
4. I’ve stuck with my diet changes of being Vegan and Gluten Free. When drinking, I would easily cave and order pizza on the way home from work (mmmm…. pizza….) and eat it for the next three days. Now, I still crave that cheap, delicious pizza but I have enough will power to say no and eat something nutritious and equally delicious!
5. We are saving a lot of money. Like, A LOT. Not only the money we were spending on alcohol, but the money we are saving from eating out so often, impulse buying while drinking, paying for everyone else’s meals, drinks, etc. The more we hang out with people, the more likely we were to just pay for everyone.
6. My skin is looking better. One of the main ways alcohol leaves your body is through your skin, and my skin had taken a beating. I’ve also gotten really into my skin routine (shout out to Drunk Elephant– I love you) which has for sure made a difference in getting my skin looking vibrant and healthy again.
7. I’ve started to feel real feelings, and be okay with how I’m feeling. It’s more that I’m recognizing the feelings, and allowing them, not shoving them away or covering them up with alcohol. I never learned how to control or accept my feelings, so I’ve always been afraid of them, and afraid of looking weak or out of control. When drinking, any “feelings” that came out could be blamed on the alcohol.
8. I’ve started breaking down the walls that didn’t let the true me out. I’ve noticed I have less inhibitions about who I am, and saying and doing things I would otherwise second guess myself and not do. Jokes, for example. I used to be a big pre-thinker. I would analyze everything I wanted to say first, and if I didn’t think it would make me look stupid or be “wrong”, I wouldn’t say it. Now, I am a lot freer in what I say and do.
9. I have more time. As soon as I’d start drinking, that would be my day’s to-do: keep drinking. All other tasks would go out the window. Sure, I would get a few things done but not nearly as much as I do now. Plus, I have time to just sit down and do “nothing” and not feel guilty about it.
10. I have more will power. I think this is multifaceted – I don’t have the alcohol brain to fight through to do something, and I’m not drowning in depression. I still get fatigued and am still tired, but it’s a lot easier to get myself up off the couch and do the darn dishes (or laundry, or clean, or walk the dog, or clean the darn litter box).

I still have a lot of work to do. I still have a long ways to go and a lot of growing still to do, but I’m on the right path now. I’ve started taking some steps forward, instead of being stuck staring back at where I was and longing for what once was. I’m here now, and I’m moving forward. Thanks for cheering me on and walking with me. Even though I think I want to do it alone, I know I can’t.

Lovin’ Me Some Oils!

I feel like Essential Oils get a bad rap, especially since they are lumped into the Multi-Level Marketing bubble (which I also think gets a bad rap, but I know I may be in the minority on that one!). But I am here to tell you that I LOVE essential oils. I’ve been using them regularly for about 5 years, but recently re-upped my collection and it has renewed my sense of wonder and excitement about them! Below I’ve listed a few of my favorite oils and the way I use them. (**Please note, I am not claiming this to be medical advice in any possible way, just information on how I use essential oils.**)

Over time, I’ve accrued a wide assortment of Young Living Essential Oils, and I am intrigued with the science behind them. I’ve seen some of them work wonders for me. But besides that, I just love having them diffusing at home during the day and night. One of the first diffuser blends I made was Purification and Lemon, and it has stuck as one of my favorites and my normal daytime go-tos. At night, I switch it up between Lavender and Cedarwood. I tend to just keep it simple. Plus, some of them are pretty pricy, so I use those ones sparingly for specific issues. The cool thing about those ones, is that three of those (Lavender, Purification, and Lemon) come in the starter kit, so it’s super easy to get started using (and loving!) them. And Cedarwood is such a good price point for how many uses it has.

One of my absolute favorite oils is Dragon Time. I apply this to my lower abdomen when I have cramps and it helps ease them (well, “ease” is putting it lightly. It makes them vanish. No joke.). Add a heating pad and they are gone, so fast. No Tylenol, no Midol, no suffering, just a natural release. So great. It was one of my first big WOW moments with Essential Oils.

Lavender is also in my top oils for the way it helps me sleep. Dealing with depression for so long really messed up my sleep schedule, and I hate taking sleep meds since I feel so beyond groggy the next morning. Lavender doesn’t just help me fall asleep faster, it makes my sleep more peaceful, deeper, and overall better quality with no “hangover” the next morning. If I don’t diffuse it, I rub a couple drops between my palms and smooth it over my pillowcase. So fresh and pure smelling. Another way I use Lavender oil is if I get a sunburn. I mix up a concoction of Coconut Oil, Vitamin E Oil, a few drops of Lavender to help sooth and nourish the skin, and a few drops of Peppermint Essential Oil to provide a light cooling effect. I call it my miracle sunburn healer because this concoction has prevented so much pain and peeling.

So, do you use Essential Oils? Which ones are you favorite? Are you curious about how they might fit in your life? Where to begin? Let me know!

Let’s Talk About Composting

Let’s talk about Composting! I first heard about composting in 2012 when visiting a friend in Seattle. We had finished eating a meal, and her mom instructed me to toss my food scraps in a separate bin. Um, what? I was confused and a bit disturbed tbh! It seemed so gross. And what was the point? Why not just throw your food away like a normal person??

Flash forward 8 years, and here I am, a composter. Granted, not a very good one, but I’m working on it! I started my compost bin in April of this year and am honestly surprised how much food I have to put in there. I have filled up two bins already!

I’m learning as I go, which is a nice place to be at. I’m not one for not knowing things – I like to either know things and be good at them, or not do them at all. Composting is (strangely) helping me overcome this! I know that no matter what I do, my compost will eventually break down. I can’t really mess it up! But even though it can’t be “messed up”, you can help the compost along to become nutrient rich soil for plants and gardens, which is my ultimate goal.

One of my biggest hurdles with composting is having enough “browns”. For a good, healthy compost, you should be adding an appropriate mixture of “greens” and “browns”. Greens are things you may think of when you think of composting: fruit and vegetable scraps and skins, old herbs, dead flowers, tea bags, coffee grounds, etc. Being vegan and eating a LOT of fresh foods, we have A LOT of greens.

“Browns” are things like dead leaves, hay, paper bags, cardboard, animal shavings (from a chicken coop or goat pen, etc), sticks, and so on.

The ratio I’ve seen should be 1 part Greens to 2 parts Browns. To make up my browns, I use a lot of paper bags (from the grocery store), cardboard boxes, and… well, that’s about it. We don’t have animals that use shavings, we don’t do our own gardening (and honestly I don’t want to keep bags of dead leaves around, so sue me), we don’t even order many things online that would result in much excess cardboard! I do, however, have a ginormous pile of brown paper bags from the grocery stores. Even though we have an equally large collection of reusable bags, we cannot use them right now due to Coronavirus (ugh). Plus there are the times (like every other time lets be honest) I run into the store for 1 or 2 things so I don’t take bags with me, and then end up buying so much stuff and cave and buy paper bags. Or I haven’t restocked my car with bags. Or my husband, who doesn’t tend to keep bags in his car, does the shopping. So many reason why we have so many paper bags, but I digress.

Since composting, I’ve been a real stickler for keeping the paper bags instead of just recycling, so my collection has grown. So big. So so big. We’ve had to move it to the garage. But for good reason! I need the browns!

With composting, it’s a plus if your greens and browns are in small pieces. They just break down faster. I’ve spent HOURS cutting up and ripping up paper bags. It’s hard work! My poor arm muscles can only handle so much! I was reading a reddit post about composting, and someone mentioned they picked up a food processor at a yard sale to help break down their food scraps easier, and a genius idea struck me – A PAPER SHREDDER. (queue the heavenly light shining down on me with that angelic music playing in the background).

But, I didn’t want to spend money on a paper shredder. It seems like such a ridiculous thing to buy. So I held off. I kept ripping up paper bags, little by little. Until I had another stroke of genius! Look on Facebook Marketplace! But then I didn’t. For a long time. I never looked. But then! I did one day! And there was one listed for TEN DOLLARS. So I bought it. I think it has changed my life guys. I’ve shredded so many paper bags already. And having the smaller pieces of “brown” material to so easily mix into my compost bins is going to be huge I think.

I’m still working on getting it just right, and my compost is not even close to being useable in a garden or plant yet, but I know it will get there at some point.

I’ll try and keep posting updates on my compost adventures!

Do you compost? Are you interested in composting?